A few night ago, I had a dream that I had written a kid’s book. In the dream, I was reading the book aloud to a group of kids. I read what felt like half the story before the dream ended. I have had an idea for a book for children for a few years, but it is not well constructed yet. However, the book in this particular dream was. This is my attempt to reproduce it.
Felix was an orange cat who, like most cats, loved to take naps in the sun. He lived in a very big house with a lot of important people who were always calling each other names like “ma’am” and “sir.” Most of the people in the big house were there to help his human, whose name was Marie. Felix loved living with Marie, and especially loved the big house they lived in. It had the best spots to take naps in the sunshine. But ever since Marie had come to the big house (where no one called her Marie, but called her instead “Madam President”) Felix had discovered a problem.
Marie was sad a lot.
Sometimes Marie would be sad when she came back to the part of the house where Felix stayed. She would open the door and the people who were there to help her with things like dinner and chores would say things like “welcome home Madame President” or “your dinner is set out for you ma’am.” And instead of being happy about hot dinner and not having to wash the dishes afterwards, Marie would just sit down at the table and look so sad. And tired. Marie was also tired a lot.
But there was one thing that Felix could do that he knew would always make Marie happy. While she was eating, or reading, or watching the people trapped inside the box on the wall, Felix would rub against her leg. This was all it took. Marie would smile at him, reached down to pet him, and then pick him up and put him in her lap. Even if she was eating dinner. He liked sitting in her lap while she was eating. All the food smelled so good to Felix. And if he was in her lap, then Marie was happy. If Marie was happy, then he was happy.
Felix did not want Marie to be sad at all, though. He was determined to find a way to keep Marie from being sad in the first place.
He watched her carefully, listening to all her conversations with care, and paying attention to how she looked and smelled when she was doing certain things. If Felix could figure out what Marie was doing that was making her sad, then he could figure out how to make that part of their life go away.
After a few days, Felix thought he knew what the problem was. It was the papers that Marie was always reading.
When she was away, Felix would do his best to get rid of the papers. He chewed them up. He pushed them onto the floor. He crumpled them into wads. He scattered them around the room. After a few days of this, Marie shut the door to the room where she kept the papers.
But it hadn’t worked. Marie was still sad sometimes.
So Felix watched her more closely, and listened more intensely to her conversations. After a few days, he decided it was the small rectangle with light inside that was making Marie sad.
Whenever Marie talked into it, Felix would try to swat it out of her hand. Whenever she was staring at it, Felix would try to swat it out of her and. And whenever Marie was was tapping her fingers against it furiously, he would try to swat it out of her hand. After a few days of this, Marie would simply stand up if she had to use the rectangle with light inside. She would talk into while she paced the room. She would take it into the room with the papers and shut the door. Sometimes, though, she would put it down and let Felix sit in her lap. She would scratch him behind the ears and he would purr to let her know that she made him very happy.
But it hadn’t worked. Marie was still sad sometimes.
So Felix watched her even more closely, and listened even more intently to her conversations. He had to discover what was making Marie so sad! After a few days, he thought he knew the answer.
Every morning, after she ate breakfast, Marie would leave the part of the house where he stayed. Sometimes she would not come home for a long time. Other times, she was only gone for a short while. Most of the time, when Marie came back, she looked sad. Felix thought if he could keep her from leaving his part of the house, then she would be happy. And if she was happy, then he would be happy too.
So Felix started standing in front of the door in the mornings. He would lay in her way so she couldn’t open the door. If she shooed him away, he would run out the door after her, which always forced her to come back to where he stayed, and put him inside. But even though he tried as hard as he could, Felix could not keep Marie from leaving the part of the house where he stayed.
And Felix was sad.
Then one night, Marie came home and instead of going straight to the table to eat her dinner, she came to find him first. She picked him up and cuddled him close to her chest, squeezing him in a big hug. “Felix,” she said to him. “This is the hardest job I’ve ever had to do. It’s an big important job, and it’s so hard that sometimes, I just get too tired, and too sad. But I’m so glad that I get to come home to you every day. You make me so happy. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Felix purred, rubbing his head against her chin. He had no idea what a job was, and so he knew that there was probably not a way for him to keep Marie from having to do the job. But Felix decided it didn’t matter. Marie was sad sometimes, but Felix knew how to make her happy again. Maybe, he wasn’t supposed to keep her from feeling sad. Maybe, he decided, it was better that he try his best to make her happy instead.
I re-read your letter today. I keep it in a drawer in case of emergency. Sometimes when I miss you, it helps to pull out that letter and see your handwriting. I imagine the way your hand moved across the page, and recall the feel of it in mine when we prayed together. The paper had none of the warmth that was in your fingers, but it has all the warmth that is in your heart. Spilling out for me in that short note. All your humor and passion and anger and sorrow—the things that kept us returning to each other when the world felt cold. That’s why I keep it. To remember how it felt to be with you.
I miss you. I miss your laughter. I miss talking about nothing and about everything. I miss how my reverence ignited next to yours. I miss feeling seen. Feeling heard. There are other people now who have stepped into that role, but it’s not the same. These people deeply love me, and as much as I love them in return, it’s not like it was with you. I don’t know how it’s possible for a piece of my spirit to be inside another person, but that’s what it feels like. You have a piece of me inside of you. I recognized it. I touched it. I longed to reunite with it.
I have this whole separate space now, apart from you. And though there are similarities between our lives, they move in different spheres, only crossing when we make the time for them to overlap. What was once easy has become hard, especially when one of us is not feeling like our best self. I know I haven’t been lately. The rough patches were easier when I was with you, because you were right next to me. And now even though I know I could call you, there is a great canyon between us. You in your sphere. Me in mine. We do not overlap now unless we carve out the place where we will meet.
Sometimes I wonder where you go, what you do, who you talk to now that you don’t talk to me as often. Did you find someone to fill that space, or are you filling it with digital and liquid demons? I’ve done that. I am doing that. I think I know what you would say about it. I know what I would say to you if I found out you were spending your time the way I’ve been spending mine.
It feels like I’ll never stop missing you. I know it’s only been a little while since you went away and that I need time to heal from your departure. I also know that next month, next year, next decade, I’ll be better. While that gives me some hope, it makes me a little sad too. It means that there will be a time when I won’t miss you as much, when I won’t wish I could see you, hear your laugh, feel your hand in mine. I’ll remember you fondly like I remember being a kid at Christmas, especially if there was snow. I’ll remember you like my long-departed grandparents, who lived in that big white farmhouse that I loved. When this hurt ends and I come to the end of this road, you won’t be standing there, and that will feel like progress. But that’s not what I want at all.
That’s why I re-read your letter today. To keep you close to my heart. To cherish you. Because I love you.