I stuffed those extra clothes into my backpack that morning, knowing they weren’t for running with Andrew. They were for running away. I needed some time. I needed to get out of here. Beth caught me though, and I had to lie to her. I hate lying. I’ve lied enough to myself about Andrew. I’ve lied to him plenty of times. I didn’t want to lie anymore. That’s why I needed some time. Time alone. Time to think.
That whole ride to school was awful. Beth knew. I don’t know how she knew, but she knew it. I could tell. She worries about me all the time, especially when it comes to Andrew. She’s right about him, she was always right, even when I didn’t want to see it. So I slumped into the seat, made myself smaller. I felt like I was going into a cocoon. I thought about transformation. I wanted to become something beautiful. But I couldn’t do that if I was always with people like Beth, worrying over me, never letting me process and heal on my own.
Angie was easier to talk to. I let her think that I was still trying to work things out with Andrew, when really, that note I had passed on Friday said we needed to talk. Talk about a breakup for good, that is. Joey got ahold of it, and I wasn’t great. I wish I had just talked to him after class instead, or after school. Or just sent him a text. That’s not really how I wanted him to find out, from his idiot friend who can’t mind his own business. But what happened, happened. That’s another reason why I had to get away. Just for a little while. I just had to get away for a little while.
I was feeling pretty sick by third period. It was just stress, honestly. I’m not pregnant. I never was pregnant. Andrew and I fought a lot, and people tried to find explanations for it all the time. It was pretty clear we were on rocky ground the last few weeks. People make up all kinds of things in the absence of an explanation. I didn’t really care what other students thought, but when the teachers started to notice…That’s another reason why I had to get away. Too many eyes on me. Too many concerned people wanting to help me. I don’t need help. I need space.
Andrew caught up with me after school before I could get away. I had snuck out the side of the school, into the staff parking lot. I should have known he’d be there. He was walking home that day. It was like he was waiting for me. “Hey, babe,” he said when he saw me.
“Don’t call me that,” I said. I tried to walk past him, but he grabbed my arm.
“Lizzie,” he said smoothly. “I just want to talk to you.”
He was standing in my way. I needed to get out of there! Didn’t anybody understand? I just needed some time to be alone. To transform. “I don’t have anything to say to you.”
“I don’t understand what happened,” he said. He tried to pet me, but I shrunk from him. “What did I do to you?”
“Andrew, please. Just let me go.”
He grew angry, his frown filling up his entire face. “I love you, Lizzie.” He didn’t look one bit sincere. He looked as oily as the stove top after Mom fries chicken.
I yanked my arm away from him. “I told you, I don’t want to be your girlfriend anymore.”
He got close to my face. “Then why did you say you still like me?” he hissed.
“I do like you, but you aren’t good for me.”
“I’m not good for you?” he asked. He was so wounded. It hurt to look at him.
“I told you already, Andrew. Give me some space. You’re smothering me.”
“You didn’t care before,” he hissed. “You liked it up until a month ago.”
That’s when Ms. Perkins interrupted us. I didn’t watch Andrew leave. I was too angry. I listened to what Ms. Perkins said only half interested. I wasn’t heartbroken. I was mad as hell. Maybe if I disappeared, then I could be free of him. Maybe if I transformed, then he wouldn’t keep reeling me back in. I needed wings, so I wouldn’t get stuck on his hook again.
I declined Ms. Perkin’s offer to take me home. I didn’t want to go home. Not until I was ready. Just a few days. I just needed a few days.
Beth had said the creek was flooded, but that’s where I was going anyway. I was sure I could find a place that wasn’t muddy or slick. I was thinking of going right up to where the creek empties out into the river. But if the creek was flooded, that probably meant the river was also high. As I made my way there, I started to get cold feet. But I kept going, thinking of being transformed. I kept thinking about wings. I could hide out under the bridge for a day. I’d go home tomorrow.
The water was really high, a lot higher than I expected. There was no way I was going to be able to set up a camp under the bridge. There was barely any dry ground left under it. I set my backpack on the ground and glanced up and down the bank. Now that I was here, it seemed like my plan wouldn’t work. There was mud everywhere, and no place to hide. If anyone came down this way, they would see me.
My feet were cold. I looked down, shocked to see myself sinking into the mud. I tried to slowly pull one foot upwards. The mud sucked at my foot as I raised it. It was trying to hold onto me. I twisted a little to try to free myself. It wasn’t working. I panicked, and began tugging my foot harder. I looked around me to see if there was anything within reach I could use to dig my feet out. There was a pretty large limb to my right. I squatted, stretched, grabbed hold, pulled it towards me. I lost my balance, and went face first into the mud. Now my hands were sinking too. I tried to lay flat, spreading my weight out and wriggling from side to side. It was working, but I was headed in the wrong direction. The water was lapping at my body. I was going into the river. But the more I moved towards the river, the freer I was of the mud. I took a chance, making a hard roll towards the water. I was free.
The current was strong though. And it carried me. For a moment it was sort of fun. I floated on the surface, under the bridge, staring up at the cloudless sky. But soon it grew scary, and I wanted to swim to the bank. The river was moving fast. Almost too fast. I struggled to swim. I didn’t want to get stuck in the mud again, so I looked for a place with more grass or rocks. The river turned around a bend, and I saw a place where I could more easily exit, if I could be quick enough. I pumped my arms and legs as hard as I could, making for the cluster of rocks. I reached for one, grabbing hold as the water sloshed around me. I struggled, pulling myself up onto it.
Slowly, I made my way from rock to rock, careful not to misstep. I was wet and slimy and my footing wasn’t sure. I slipped, crashing to the ground. I felt the pain in my forehead for only a moment before I lost my thoughts.
We found her around midnight. Andrew told us she would probably be at the water, and he was right. We followed him down there, and we found her backpack on the bank. We had a whole search party out looking for her, which was scary in the dark, that close to the river. She was a lot further downriver that we thought she would be. I found her among a cluster of rocks south of the bridge. Lizzie was cold, and there was so much blood that I thought for sure she was dead. She was alive though. She tried to stand up as soon as she came around, but I wouldn’t let her. Dad called an ambulance and Mom rode with her to the hospital. Dad and I followed in the car.
I watched her sleep. Nurses came in and out, checking on her, checking on us. They had sewn up the gash in her head. She looked like Frankenstein’s monster. I imagined two bolts sticking out of her neck. The doctors said she was lucky not to have broken it. Her face was bruised and swollen. Her eyes flickered open as she looked for a moment like she might fall asleep again, but then she turned her head towards me. I could see in her eyes that the motion pained her. She let out a squeak.
“Don’t,” I said. I moved my chair closer to the bed, glanced at Mom and Dad, who had somehow managed to fall asleep in the chairs they had drug in from the waiting room. “You hurt yourself pretty bad, Lizzie,” I whispered.
“On the rocks?” she asked.
“You remember?” I was a little surprised. She had been unconscious for hours. I imagined that she wouldn’t remember the accident.
“I was trying to get out of the river,” she said. She swallowed. “Everything hurts.”
“You were in the river?” I asked. It made sense now why she had been so wet.
“Yeah, I kinda…fell in.”
I studied her, aching, the question bubbling inside my chest until I couldn’t keep it to myself. “Did you do it on purpose?”
She smiled at me. “No, Beth. It was an accident.”
“Okay,” I said. “It’s just, you were so morose yesterday.”
“I know. I needed to get away. But I didn’t mean to fall in…or end up here.”
“It’s a good thing Andrew knew where you might be. I don’t know how we would have found you otherwise.”
Her face changed. I couldn’t identify the expression. It looked like grief, but it also looked like disgust. “Do you know what it’s like, Beth? To try to pull yourself free of someone, when the whole world is set up to put you together?”
That wasn’t what I had expected. I had no idea she was trying to break up with Andrew. I thought she was still pining over him, chasing him. “What do you mean?”
“He’s always there. And he’s always going to be there.”
“Is that why you were running away?” I guessed.
“I was going to come back. I just needed to…” She paused, and I waited until she had the right words. I wanted to fill in her sentence with all kinds of words. But this was Lizzie’s story and I wanted to hear what she had to say. “I needed to transform.”
“And you had to go to the water to do that?” I asked, not understanding.
“It’s where I always go,” she whispered. “Whenever I need strength. It’s like…it’s a sacred place, Beth. You know what I mean?”
All this time, she wasn’t trying to hang onto Andrew. She was trying to break away. “I’m sorry I didn’t know.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” she said.
I took her hand. “So, did you do it?” She stared at me for a moment, thinking about the question. “Did you transform?”
I watched a peace settle over her, that kind of peace that creates a holy space around two people. Like God is coming down right between you and filling you with all the love you’ll ever need. “I don’t know yet.”
I squeezed her hand. “Well, next time you need some strength, just let me know. I’ll go with you.”
She had tears in her eyes now. “You sure?”
“Of course, I’m sure,” I said.
Lizzie sighed contentedly, and seemed to sink further into the pillows. “Okay. Thanks,” she said, before she closed her eyes. “I love you, Beth.”
I resisted kissing her forehead because of the bandages. “Love you too, sis.” I watched her fall asleep again. I kept a vigil over her until I started to sag forward, and my eyes started to close against my will. I laid my head against the stack of pillows propping her up in the bed, drifting. I could be a little less protective, I decided. Lizzie was stronger than I realized.
I waited around after school for a bit, just in case Lizzie didn’t actually go on that run with Andrew. Sitting in the car, just scrolling through Instagram, the windows down. It was a nice afternoon. That was before we knew she was missing though. I saw Derrick and Ethan crossing the parking lot. Ethan waved at me, and Derrick got this look on his face. You know the one boys get. That look that says everything he’s not saying. I waved to them, and watched Ethan nudge Derrick toward my car. He seemed reluctant, but eventually obliged.
I put my phone down in my lap and rested my arm against the open window. “Hey,” I said slyly as he came forward.
Derrick looked back at Ethan before he answered me. “Hey, Beth. You waiting on your sister?”
I nodded, smiling. I tried not to seem shy. “I might be. I think she was going on a run. Not sure though. Didn’t want to leave her here, in case she changed her mind.”
Derrick looked like he didn’t know how to respond. He fidgeted for a moment before asking, “Want me to wait with you?”
I felt a slight fluttering in my chest. “That’d be nice,” I said. I picked my bag up off the passenger seat and tossed it in the back. “Get in.”
He came around the front of the car, opened the passenger door, and slid in next to me. He was quiet. I was too. I was nervous. Not just about having Derrick in my car, but about Lizzie. She had just been so off that morning.
“Can I ask you something?” I blurted, before I could stop myself.
Derrick looked bewildered. “Sure,” he stated, nodding his head.
“What do you do if somebody you care about is chasing after the wrong person?”
Derrick cracked a half smile. “You talking about Lizzie and Andrew?”
I was kind of surprised he knew junior drama. I only knew about it because of cross country. Well, I knew about it because Lizzie is my sister, but if she wasn’t my sister, I’d still know about it because of cross country. “How’d you know?”
Derrick rubbed his hand over his mouth, thinking. “Well, people talk about other people. I hear all sorts of stuff. Did you know she was crying in the lunchroom today?”
Lizzie and I don’t eat lunch together. She goes to first lunch, and I go to second. “She was?”
Derrick nodded. “I just thought she and Andrew had a fight. That’s kinda what they do, right?”
“Yeah, you’re right about that.” I paused. “Wait, I didn’t think Andrew had first lunch.”
“No, he doesn’t,” Derrick confirmed. “But Ashton told me that she’d seen them talking near her locker before third period started, and both of them looked so tense. There was a solid three foot circle around the two of them that nobody wanted to get inside.”
Ashton was another junior, and she also ran cross country. “I didn’t know you knew Ashton.”
“Yeah,” he sighed. “We’re in Spanish together.” He paused, a conspiratorial look coming over his features. “She likes me,” she said slowly.
I stared at him, trying not to show how much I was sinking. “You like her too?”
“God, no!” Derrick laughed.
Relieved, I laughed too, before I considered what he had told me about Lizzie. “So, if they had a fight, then, they probably wouldn’t have gone running together,” I reasoned.
“Good thing you’re still in the parking lot,” Derrick said.
I looked at the clock on the dash. It was 3:12. School had let out over 20 minutes ago. “Well, what’s she doing if she’s not running?” I asked. A cold prick of fear hit me, like ice in my belly.
Derrick must have noticed. His look grew concerned. “You wanna go back inside and look for her?”
I chewed my lip nervously. “Yeah, I do,” I said. I rolled up the windows, shut off the engine. Derrick exited the car, and I followed him. He must have sensed my unease, because he grew bold enough to put his arm around my shoulders as we walked.
“I’m sure she’s fine, Beth,” he said, as he gave me a little squeeze.
I saw the fight happening before I heard it. It was at the end of the day, and I could not wait to get out of the school. I had my laptop bag over one shoulder, my purse slung over the other. I carried my heels in my left hand, having switched them out for tennis shoes for the drive home. I was clutching my water bottle and my keys in my right hand. As I approached the side door of the school, the one that led to the staff parking lot, I saw them. Lizzie’s whole body seemed to be shaking. I couldn’t tell if it was with anger, anxiety or joy. I slowed my approach. Andrew threw his arms out wide, in a gesture of impatience. That’s when I realized that Lizzie was crying.
I opened the door and was greeted with the sounds of the arguing. It was the kind of low arguing that you do when you don’t want to draw too much attention to yourself. Andrew’s hands were on his hips and Lizzie had hers crossed against her chest. I heard the furious words slinking out of Andrew as I moved towards my car. They were standing right next to it.
Andrew took this as his opportunity to exit. “I’ll see you later,” he muttered. He strode away, across the parking lot towards the baseball field and the track. Lizzie didn’t watch him go. She stayed still as stone, silently leaking tears.
“Lizzie,” I said as tenderly as I could.
She looked up at the sound of her name. “Yeah?” she squeaked.
I debated on what to say to her now that I had her attention. I had a vague sense of the troubled romance between her and Andrew, but I had no details. Still, she reminded me of myself at a certain age, and I wanted her to know that it would get better. “You can get through this, Lizzie. I’ve been there.”
She wiped away more tears. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I had a boyfriend I was off and on with for most of my high school years,” I admitted. “I know it hurts, right now. But it won’t always hurt.”
“What happened to you and your boyfriend? Did you break up?” she asked.
I didn’t want to lie to her, but I didn’t think it would help her to tell the truth. We had dated through all of college too, but not consistently, and we had gotten married, but divorced after two years. I never spoke to him now. “We did. And it was hard, but I survived it. So can you.”
She nodded, casting her eyes downward. She didn’t say anything.
She was standing next to my car’s driver door, and she didn’t look like she had any intention of moving. “Do you need a ride somewhere?” I asked.
“Oh, no. Beth is probably waiting for me,” she said.
“Okay,” I said. “Go find your sister.” I paused. “And if you want to talk about anything, you know you can always come to me, okay?”
“Thanks Ms. Perkins,” she said. She offered me a weak smile. Lizzie’s expression was hollow. She looked like she had been run ragged. The fatigue in her features was unnerving. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” But it looked like a lie was in her eyes. That smile didn’t change the sadness in her expression.
I wish I would have stopped her, told her to get into my car. Told her I’d take her home. I might have saved her family some pain if I had offered to walk with her to Beth’s car. But I can’t take it back now. I can only learn from this, so I can do better in the future.
There’s a rumor going around that Lizzie’s pregnant, but it’s not true. She told Angie that she never had sex with Andrew, even though he was asking her to. And Angie told Jessica—because you tell your sister stuff like that, I guess—and then of course Jessica told me. You definitely tell your best friend stuff like that. But it’s not like I care what my brother and his girlfriend do! I don’t want to think about that. Gross!
He was normal this morning, but after we got home from school, he was real mean. Like, real mean. I was sitting at the counter in the kitchen when he came in the back door. He just had this cloud hanging over him. So, I asked, “What are you mad about?”
“I’m not mad,” he said. Classic deflection. I swear, boys need to learn how to talk about their feelings. There is no way he was not mad. His whole body was carrying the anger.
“Really?” I crossed my arms and stared at him, waiting.
“It’s none of your business Amy! Shut up!” he yelled at me.
“Just trying to help,” I said, before I went back to looking at my math homework.
“I don’t need your help,” he muttered.
I was curious, so I admit, I poked the bear a bit. “Did something happen with Lizzie?”
Oh, that got his blood boiling. He looked like he was steaming from the ears. His face went all red and his lips got tight. “Don’t talk to me about Lizzie.”
“She finally dump you for good?”
He took three quick steps across the kitchen, got up right in my face and growled, “I said don’t talk to me about Lizzie! Get out of my face!”
“You’re the one who came in here with a crap attitude, dude! Get out of my face!”
He moved away from me, and he was muttering, but I just ignored him. He is hellbent on that girl, but they just aren’t right for each other. They’re gonna destroy one another before either one of them can be happy. It’s like watching a car crash. You know what I mean?
Anyway, he opened the pantry, and rummaged around in there for a minute, then poured himself some fruit loops and left the kitchen without saying another word to me. He slammed his bedroom door. I don’t know what was wrong with him, but he only ever gets that way if he doesn’t perform well in sports, or if something is going on between him and Lizzie. I think Lizzie might have another guy that’s after her, and Andrew doesn’t like that because he knows that this other guy will treat Lizzie better than he can. Andrew is just not a mature guy, you know? I mean, who blows up about not getting a PR during a cross country meet? He needs a therapist. I don’t know what Lizzie sees in him. If she lived with him, she’d know he’s not worth all the drama.
Lizzie wasn’t home by 7 that night, and I knew something was very wrong. They say a mother can sense these things. Beth was biting her nails as she mindlessly surfed through the channels. I was waiting for Jay to get home before I started to worry, but watching Beth’s anxious fidgeting was making that hard. I chewed a piece of gum to keep my mind from racing, scrolling through news from the New York Times as I waited.
A car pulled into the driveway. I froze. Beth met my eyes. She looked like she might bolt from the couch to see who was outside. I waited, chewing slowly, watching her calmly. The engine shut off, and a moment later, the car door shut. I heard keys clinking in the lock.
“It’s Dad,” Beth said. I didn’t know if she was relieved or disappointed.
I stood, half expecting Lizzie to follow Jay in the door. But he was alone. He smiled at me, but then his face fell. He sensed the mood in the room. “You okay, Mags?”
“Dad, we don’t know where Lizzie is,” Beth said before I could answer.
His eyes slid from her to me and back again. “What do you mean?”
“She was supposed to go running with Andrew after school today. I tried to text and call her and she hasn’t answered.”
Jay frowned, setting his bag down by the door, before moving fully into the living room. “Did you try Andrew?”
“Yeah, I texted him too, but he didn’t answer.”
Jay looked at me. He must have seen my helplessness. “This isn’t like her,” I said, my voice cracking.
“Do you have a way to get ahold of Andrew’s parents? Maybe they know where they are?”
I nodded my head. “I could call Coach Blevins. He’d know how to get ahold of one of them.”
“Okay,” Jay said. “Do that.” He turned his attention to Beth. “Do you know any of her friends? Maybe they know where she is?”
Beth slumped further into the couch. “I already tried that. Nobody saw her after school.” She paused. “Derrick and I went back inside to look for her, just in case. I just had a really bad feeling about everything. I couldn’t find her.”
“You don’t think Andrew would have…I mean…they didn’t…” Jay looked to me for help, and though I didn’t know the exact question he was trying to ask, I picked up on the spirit of it.
“I can’t imagine he’d hurt her,” I whispered. But I knew they had had a fight, and there was a nagging voice in my head telling me things I didn’t want to believe.
“Call Coach Blevins. See if you can get ahold of Andrew’s parents,” Jay instructed before I could voice my thoughts.
I took my phone outside, sat on the patio. The call rung three times before Coach picked up. “Hello?”
“Mark?” I asked.
“Hey, Maggie,” he said brightly.
“Mark, I really need to get in touch with Andrew Davison’s parents.”
There was a short pause and an inhale. “Okay. I have his mom’s number. Everything okay?”
“Well, I’m not sure. Lizzie isn’t home from school yet. Beth said she was going to go for a run with Andrew today.”
“We weren’t scheduled for practice today. Didn’t see them on the track as I was leaving school either.” Mark offered. “I’ll text you Kate’s number when we hang up.”
“Okay, thanks Mark,” I said. “I’m sure everything is fine, this is just a out of the ordinary.”
“Oh, I understand. Hey, let me know if you find them, okay?” He sounded sincere. I could hear his smile.
“Okay, sure,” I replied. “Bye.”
He hung up and a few minutes later I get a contact card from him for Kate Davison. I call the number, but it goes to voicemail. I text instead. Kate, this is Maggie, Lizzie’s mom. Lizzie isn’t home from school. Beth said she might be with Andrew. Can you let me know?
I tap the arrow to send the message and silently pray that Lizzie is at Andrew’s house, or that Kate is presently driving her home. Maybe she lost her phone, or put it on silent. There are a lot of reasons why a teenager wouldn’t come home right away, or let her mom know where she was. I try to stay rational as I move back into the house.
The phone buzzes in my hand. Andrew has been home all afternoon. He says he didn’t see Lizzie after school.
My heart is now pounding. Jay is sitting on the couch, staring at his phone. “Jay,” I say weakly.
He looks up. “Did you find her?”
I shake my head. “Kate said she wasn’t with Andrew. He didn’t see her after school.”
Beth is on the verge of tears. “Mom, I’m really worried about her. She wasn’t right this morning.”
“And nobody has seen her?” Jay asked.
Beth shook her head aggressively. “Nobody! Nobody has seen her since school let out!”
“Call the police, Jay,” I said, cold fear sliding through me.
Jay nodded to me and without a second thought, started to dial.
When I got Beth’s text, that’s when I knew I was in trouble. I texted Wade right away. Did you know Lizzie is missing? Wade is Angie’s boyfriend. I thought he might know something.
Why would I know that?
I thought too long about a response before I sent: Did Angie say anything about it?
Wade didn’t write back right away. Maybe he was texting his girlfriend about it. Maybe she didn’t know. I don’t know where she went after our fight. I was nervous though. I had been the last person to see her, as far as anyone knew. I was thinking hard about that when I got his reply. Angie says she didn’t see her after fifth period.
So, I was the last person to see her. Maybe. I went Beth’s number, and texted her back. Your sister is missing?
Yeah. Do you know where she is?
I don’t know why, but that made me really mad. She is always assuming things about me. No. That’s why I’m asking you.
She told me that she was going to go on a run with you this afternoon. Did you go?
That’s how Beth is all the time. Straight to the point. No dancing. No. Now I was confused. Lizzie lied to Beth? She didn’t say anything about going for a run.
Did you fight?
Beth’s ability to know everything even before you say it is so annoying. Seriously gets on my nerves. It’s like she’s telepathic or something. How does she do it? She got mad at me.
Where did she go after that?
I don’t know! Ms. Perkins found us arguing and then I walked home after she started talking to us.
So you didn’t see Lizzie leave the school?
No.
Thanks.
I stared at the single word thanks. There were a lot of curse words wrapped up in it, I was positive.
I laid my phone next to me on the bed and picked up the xbox controller. I was just about to resume my game play when I heard Mom calling for me.
Trying not to roll my eyes, I put the controller down and opened the bedroom door. “What?” I called down the stairs.
“Come here!” she called.
I trudged down the stairs, feeling in my chest that she was going to ask me about Lizzie. Mom is always asking me things two or three times before she believes me.
“What?” I asked, as I neared the bottom of the staircase. I could feel my eyes rolling back into my head and she hadn’t even asked her question yet.
Mom came around the corner from the living room into the foyer. “Coach Blevins wants to talk to you.”
Not what I expected. “Okay,” I said slowly, not understanding. She handed me the phone. “Hello?”
“Andrew! I’m sure you know by now. We’re all looking for Lizzie.”
“Yeah, I heard.”
“I’m just calling to see if you could go out to the spots you know she likes to go, check for her? I’ve got a couple other kids from the team doing the same thing.”
“Oh, ummm… I mean, I’d have to borrow mom’s car. You know I don’t have one.”
“I already talked to your mom about it,” Coach said.
“Okay.” I really didn’t have an excuse. I mean, I couldn’t really tell Coach I didn’t want to go out and look for my missing girlfriend because she wasn’t my girlfriend anymore. And I did care that she was missing, I was also just really mad at her still. “Where did you want me to look?”
“Well, I don’t know. I thought maybe you’d know of some places.”
I did. If she had lied to Beth about going on a run with me, then there was something she was trying to be free of. I knew exactly where she would be, but I really didn’t want to go there. I was afraid of how I might find her—if I found her at all. “Yeah, I think I know, Coach.”
I knew something was wrong that morning. Her bedroom door was cracked open. I saw her stuffing an extra set of clothes into her backpack. “We have practice today?” I asked. We run cross country. I just assumed it was her running clothes.
Lizzie jumped, zipping the backpack quickly, keeping her eyes down. “No practice. But we might still do some training.”
“Who?” I asked. She didn’t answer me quickly, so I pushed the door further open. “I’ll pack some shorts and a tank too,” I offered. “If you don’t mind me tagging along.”
“No!” Lizzie exclaimed. I frowned at her, confused by her vehemence. “Sorry, it’s just…”
“You want him to yourself, huh?”
My sister smiled shyly, sadly. “Thanks for understanding, Beth.”
Yes, my sister’s name is Lizzie, and my name is Beth, and no, neither is short for Elizabeth. This is something we’ve had to answer for our whole lives. Our parents think it’s kind of funny. “I don’t know if that’s good for you, you know,” I said, leaning against her door frame. “He’s not very good to you, Lizzie.”
She closed her eyes for just a second, but it was long enough for me to see a wealth of pain hiding inside her, trying to spill out. “He just doesn’t know what he wants.”
“If you say so,” I said. I watched her as she slung the backpack over her shoulder. Something was seriously wrong. She was carrying a weight today that hadn’t been there before. I had heard her crying last night. Her eyes were still a bit puffy. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
She straightened, shaking her hair away from her face. It’s long and dark and she only pulls it back into a ponytail when she runs. “I’m fine. I promise.” She did not convince me.
“Well, if you and Andrew do end up training today, just make sure you don’t go down 34. I heard the creek flooded over the road and it’s a mess.”
“Oh,” she says, with a concerned look on her face. “Okay, thanks for the tip.” She stood at the center of her room awkwardly, staring at me like I was supposed to go away before she could move. Her knees were locked tight. She was chewing on her bottom lip.
“I gotta brush my teeth,” I said. “Meet you at the car.”
Lizzie nodded, but she still didn’t move.
As I moved away, I heard her opening a drawer of her dresser, digging through the clothes. I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth, wondering the whole time why she was acting so weird. I stare at my face in the mirror, wondering what she sees in Andrew. He’s a cocky little punk. He wouldn’t know manners if they smacked him in the face. He’s been on and off with Lizzie for most of high school. I think I dislike him more the longer they try to make it work.
Andrew also runs cross country. That’s how we all met, two years ago, during my sophomore year. Andrew and Lizzie were both freshman back then, new to the school, new to the team. She decided to try out on my recommendation. We’ve been running together since we were little kids. Mom used to take us down to the shoe store and we would pick the craziest shoes we could find. Running shoes are always crazy looking. I was partial to neon yellow, but Lizzie always liked the pink ones. Bright pink. So pink you could see it in the dark. I think Lizzie fell in love with Andrew the first time she saw him at tryouts. He noticed her shoes and she couldn’t take her eyes off him after that. Andrew needed some convincing though.
It bothered me that she was going to try to run with Andrew this afternoon, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. I finished brushing and wrapped my hair up into a bun on top of my head. I grabbed my backpack and my purse from my room and headed down the stairs to the front door. “Bye!” I called out, to my parents who were probably in the kitchen, making their coffee and toast. I heard a muffled reply from one of them as I headed out the door.
Lizzie was already inside the car—a real clunker. Dad got me the cheapest car he could find. It’s a 1997 Oldsmobile Intrigue. He bought it from a neighbor for $500. The neighbor, Ms. Perkins, lives four houses away. She’s 84 and had no need for a car anymore. Her daughter drives her wherever she needs to go now.
I tossed my bags in the backseat and turned the key in the engine. I glanced over at Lizzie. She was chewing on her thumb nail. “Nervous?” I asked.
She flashed me a smile. “Just a bit.”
I tried not to snicker, I really did, but it came out anyway. Andrew hasn’t been talking to her, and last time they talked, they’d had a fight. I don’t know what the fight was about, but she came out of the school with tears streaming down her face. That was Friday afternoon. I couldn’t get the story out of her. I let her keep her secrets.
“Well, if he says no, you should…”
She interrupted. “He won’t say no,” she says, confidence like steel. “He can’t.”
“He can’t?” I asked, skeptical. I looked over my shoulder as I backed down the driveway. “What if he didn’t bring any running clothes?” I joked.
“Beth, please,” she begged. “Just let me try to figure it out on my own.”
“Okay, sis. You can let this boy drown you if you want.” I smiled at her as I rolled the car to a stop at the sign outside our subdivision. “But you’re better than that.”
She sunk lower into the passenger seat. “Maybe not,” she muttered.
We drove to school in near silence. I worried about her the whole way.
She came into first period—English, our favorite—already looking like she had died of embarrassment. She had plenty of reasons to be embarrassed, I guess, after what happened on Friday. She passed a note to Andrew, but Joey snatched it from him before he could get a chance to read it. And then the boys spent the rest of the day snickering about what it said. I don’t know what she wrote in the note. She didn’t tell me. But she looked like death by the end of the day, and Andrew looked like he could kill somebody. I’m surprised she didn’t call her mom to get her from school. I would have faked sick.
Anyway, Lizzie came into first period, and when she plopped down in her chair at our usual table there was something about her that felt so wrong. You know how sometimes you get that weird tingling in your guts and some people say it’s a premonition, but other people say it’s the Holy Spirit? I don’t know what it is, but I definitely felt it. That girl was radiating some weird energy.
“Hey, what’s up?” I whispered. Lizzie gave me this hollow stare. It was kinda creepy actually. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened, Angie,” she replied. Her voice was as thick as one of those milkshakes you can get from that premium ice cream shop—what’s it called? The Spotted Calf? She looked like she was going cry.
“Andrew?” I guessed. It was a good guess. It’s always Andrew. She did a little head roll and it was hard to tell if it was a nod or not. “Why you still chasing him, girl? I thought you gave up.”
“Yeah, but that was before he sent me this,” she said. She pulled out her phone. “Last night.” She showed me the screen. The blue and gray bubbles that held the words I didn’t want to see.
I still like you.
I still like you too.
I want to see you.
When?
Tomorrow.
That was it. There was nothing more. I thought it was weird they didn’t hatch out a plan, or say goodnight or anything else. “You didn’t reply?” I asked.
Lizzie had tears in her eyes now. “He’s the worst,” she said, and it was another one of those moments when you get the tingles. Maybe it is the Holy Spirit and it was telling me to say something to her. But I just nodded instead. The bell rang before I could think of anything to say, and Lizzie tucked her phone away.
I studied her while we were supposed to be doing our independent reading. God, she looked awful. I’m telling you, she was in real bad shape that morning. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days. She was really pale, too, the kind of pale that people are when they’re sick. I tapped her on the shoulder. She snapped her head in my direction. I mouthed the words Are you okay? She just shook her head. That was it! She just shook her head as if that was supposed to be a complete answer.
I wrote her a note in my notebook while Ms. Langine was recapping the plot of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. Do you have a plan? Then I bumped her on the shoulder.
Lizzie peered at the page, then shook her head. She glanced at Ms. Langine, then scribbled out a reply. Go for a run.
Where? My pen scratched across the page.
I don’t know. Beth said the creek flooded.
Maybe go through downtown. Stay where people can see you.
Her whole mood suddenly shifted. She was suddenly really angry about something. He’s not dangerous.
I know! I just meant…stay where you can be safe. You know, where people can find you. If you need a ride.
You sound like Beth.
Why are you mad?
Lizzie hesitated. I’m not mad at you. That’s what she wrote. Not that she wasn’t mad. She said she wasn’t mad at me. So, she was mad at someone, right? Well, she needed to be a lot more mad at Andrew than she was, in my opinion. He’s been just awful to her. And it wasn’t getting any better. How you can profess to love somebody and then decide to keep breaking their heart is something I’ll never understand. Love isn’t supposed to hurt. That’s what my mom always says.
Lizzie is in my third period, Biology II. It’s mostly juniors and seniors, although I do have one sophomore this year. Lizzie is a top student, usually, but she’s been slipping recently. Normally she would be acing the tests and turning in every assignment without fail. But this month, she’s not been handing in homework, and her last few quiz scores have been in the C range.
A few weeks ago, I held her back after class. She seemed timid, like she knew she was in trouble. I’ve never seen a girl look more like a dog caught chewing on a shoe.
“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, Lizzie,” I started.
She shifted from foot to foot, not meeting my eyes. “I’m okay, Ms. Marston.”
“You haven’t been performing the way I have come to expect,” I say tenderly. “Is everything okay at home?”
She still didn’t meet my eyes. “Home is fine,” she muttered.
I tried to take a different approach. “I’m here to help, Lizzie. You seem…” I searched for a word. I didn’t want to offend her, or pry, but I knew there was something on her mind. She is very bright. There was no reason why she should be getting Cs on the work we were doing. “You seem sad lately. Very sad. And unengaged.”
She looked up at me, and I could see the biggest cry for help in her eyes. She wanted me to save her from something. I was ready to help her in whatever way I could. “I’m…um…” She faltered. “I’m okay, Ms. Marston. Really. Just a little distracted with…um…cross country.”
I didn’t believe her. I had seen the desperation bubble to the surface before she stuffed it back down. “You’re sure?” I asked.
She nodded. “Thanks for checking on me,” she said politely.
I made a mental note to call her parents. “Okay, Lizzie. But please know, if there is anything I can do to help you,” I paused, searching her face. Her eyes were hiding that hollowness I had seen previously. “Don’t hesitate, okay? I’m here to help. Really.”
“Thanks,” she said. Her whisper was like the soft brush of paint on a canvas. It sounded like a prayer.
That was a few weeks ago, of course. That morning…how can I say this without sounding dramatic? I almost sent her to the nurse as soon as I saw her. I’ve had four children. I know morning sickness when I see it. She said she was fine, that she wasn’t ill, but as I watched her trying to swallow her bile, I knew she was lying. She made it through my whole class though. I was surprised she didn’t ask for the hallpass to use the restroom. I wish I had had some crackers to give her. Poor kid.
The Quick and the Dead 