(Find previous chapters and a description of the project here.)

It is 4:02. Anna is nowhere in sight as she walks into the coffee shop. She has expected this though. Anna is not usually on time. She should have known to come at 4:15, but she had to get out of the house. She left Brett and Finn watching garbage content on YouTube. She doesn’t like leaving them alone, but they won’t get into any trouble. They know where all the snacks in the house are and they have an emergency use only cell phone in case they need her. They aren’t likely to miss her at all, she muses as she scans over the menu looking for any options that are decaf. She huffs as she moves closer to the counter. She was hoping for something other than peppermint tea.

“What can I get you?” the barista asks cheerily.

“You can make any of these drinks decaf, right?” she asks hesitantly.

“We have decaf espresso. If you want decaf coffee I’ll have to do a pour over for you.”

This is helpful. “No, no pour over. I’ll have a decaf macchiato, please. With almond milk.”

“Oh, we’ve just used the last of the almond milk today. I’m so sorry. Would you like oat or coconut instead?”

Oat milk sounds entirely unappealing. “Coconut is fine,” she answers. “Sorry to be a pain, but can I get that with sugar free syrup?” She is already thinking about the gestational diabetes test she’ll have to take.

“Yes, of course,” the barista answers as she scratches more writing out onto the cup in her hand. “Anything else?” She begins tapping the screen in front of her.

“No, that’ll be all,” she says, glancing around the room. Still no sign of Anna. Her phone buzzes. Be there in 5!

“$5.75,” the barista says.

Rebecca hands her six dollars and declines the change. She moves towards the pick-up counter. She notices that she’s chewing her nails and quickly ceases. It’s better that she was alone when she ordered. Anna was bound to ask her about her decaf choice. She watches the door. She sees Anna moving across the parking lot. Her hand is on the door when the young man behind the counter yells, “Decaf macchiato!”

She almost shushes him, but manages to refrain. “Thank you,” she says as she takes it from him. Anna spies her and waves. Rebecca sits down at the closest table.

“Sorry, I was running late,” Anna says as she approaches.

“I’m used to it,” she says, smiling. “I’m glad you suggested this. I had to get out of the house.”

Anna almost frowns. “Bad day?” she asks.

“Eh…” she shrugs. “I’ve had better.”

Anna is eyeing her suspiciously now. “What happened?”

She lets all the thoughts in her head melt away so they won’t come out of her mouth. “It’s just…” she stops. “Get your drink!” she fusses. “I’ll tell you in a minute.”

Anna sets her bag down in the chair across from her, then reaches inside and grabs her wallet. “Be right back,” she says.

Rebecca stews, wondering if she can tell Anna. She is sure Anna wouldn’t shame her. Anna is not very religious, and never understood why church people could be so uptight and prudish. But she would be hurt that Rebecca hadn’t told her about the relationship. She watches her friend, smiling at the barista, moving towards the pick-up counter. She is handed a mug just as she reaches it. She thanks the young man.

“Nothing fancy for you?” Rebecca asks, as Anna sits down across from her. The drink in the mug is dark.

“Nah, I’m trying to cut out sugar,” she says as if she doesn’t really mean it.

“Again?” she jokes. She is stalling.

Anna laughs. “It’s a hard habit to kick. You know I have a huge sweet tooth.” She takes a sip of the brew. “What’s been going on? Why is your day so bad?”

“Who said it was bad?” she asks, deflecting.

“You look awful,” Anna says. She’s not unkind, but she doesn’t take time getting to a point.

“I’m…” the word is stuck inside her. She changes her thought. “Tired,” she says.

“Well, I could have told you that!” Anna leans forward. “You sure you’re okay?”

Anna will press her until she collapses. She smiles warmly, allowing the fears she has about the future to momentarily fall out of mind. “I’ve been seeing somebody,” she says.

“What?!” Anna squeals.

She is embarrassed by the outburst and dips her head. “Don’t make sure a big deal of it,” she says through gritted teeth.

“Okay, so… I have so many questions. First things: what’s his name? How did you meet? How many dates have you gone on?”

Anna is bursting with excitement over this news. She thinks back to Tuesday, just 5 short days ago, when she fizzled Jesse’s excitement with her revelation. This will be similar. She steadies herself for the confusion.

“It’s Jesse.” When Anna stares at her blankly, she adds, “The minister.”

Anna seems frozen. She blinks once slowly before leaning forward and asking, “Jesse Pearson? Your pastor?!”

“Anna,” she almost hisses. “Can you keep it down?”

“Oh,” she says, now sitting back in the chair. She can’t tell if Anna is offended or not. She is wearing a smug look. She crosses her arms. “It’s a secret,” she assesses.

She offers a brief smile. “I called him one night after Alan died. He’d been gone about four months and I was feeling…” There were no words for what she had been feeling. Broken. Lonely. Defeated. Reckless. Numb. “Anyway, we had a bunch of beers and then we had sex and ever since then, we’ve been secretly dating.”

“Hang on,” Anna says, holding up a hand. “You’ve been dating him for a year and eight months?” She is completely scandalized.

She nods, then sips her macchiato, waiting for Anna’s anger.

But Anna doesn’t say anything. She studies her face, how her mouth flattens into a thin line as her eyebrows draw together. “And you didn’t say anything to me?”

“It wasn’t supposed to happen,” she says, nearly whispers. “He’s not supposed to…” she falters. “The church doesn’t want the staff dating the members.”

“Why?” Anna asks, seeming confused. “Who cares?”

“I think people see it as predatory,” she says, thinking of Myrtle Abbot. “Before Jesse came, we had a choir director who got involved with one of the choir members. The personnel committee made a rule after that.”

“Seems like a dumb rule,” Anna says dryly.

“It certainly feels like one from where I’m sitting,” she admits. “I shouldn’t have gotten that close to him, but it happened before I knew it was happening, and then it was too late.”

Anna considers this as she feels the weight of the secret fading. She should have told Anna sooner. She should have trusted her. She should have been more open. Anna could have helped her.

She is going to should herself to death if she doesn’t stop.     

               “I don’t like that you didn’t tell me,” Anna admits.

               “I’m sorry.” It’s all she has to offer. There really is no excuse.

               “Why tell me now though? What changed?”

               She hesitates. She looks down into the mug for a moment, as if it holds a sign for her to read.

               “It’s gotten serious,” Anna guesses. “He wants to get married?”

               She is right and she isn’t. She doesn’t look up. “I’m pregnant,” she says to the macchiato.

               “Oh my god,” Anna says quietly. She pauses. “Rebecca!” her friend says. She looks up at the sound of her name. Their eyes meet. Anna’s mouth is working wordlessly. “You’re pregnant?” she asks, to be sure she understood correctly.

               She nods slowly, not taking her eyes off Anna’s. “I just found out last week. We haven’t told anyone,” she explains, urgency creeping into her tone. “Don’t say anything, Anna. Please.”

               “Who would I tell?” she asks. She sips her coffee. “Not like I’m going to report him to your church or anything.”

               She laughs at this though she feels like she is ripping at the seams. “They’ll find out anyway,” she says calmly.

               “Do you have a plan?” Anna asks.

               She has made and remade many plans already, but all of them ended with Jesse forced to leave the church in disgrace, and her running out the door after him. “I need to see the midwife first.”

               “You’re still early then,” Anna comments. She looks at her mug. “Are you drinking decaf?”

               “Who are you, my mom?” she asks. Anna laughs, but Rebecca is quiet. “I’m scared,” she admits. “Of what will happen to him.”

               “I thought church was full of grace?” Anna asks sarcastically.

               “Sometimes,” she answers quietly. She can’t imagine Myrtle being gracious with anyone.

               “Just get married,” Anna suggests. She blinks at her friend as if she doesn’t understand. “Get married and then nobody will assume anything. No one is going to be sitting around counting the months.”

               “Yes, they will,” she argues. “And then we’d have to beg forgiveness.”

               “Aren’t you going to have to do that anyway?”

               Anna was pointing out all the things she has already walked through inside her own thoughts. Jesse had told her he wanted a life with her. A real life. He promised they would find a way to make it work. “I feel like no matter what I do, I’m going to lose my community.”

               “Well, if you ask me, it’s not worth having if they’re going to kick you out.”

               She hadn’t asked, but it didn’t mean Anna wasn’t right. Her phone buzzes before she can respond. It is Jesse. I want to see you. Suddenly, Anna isn’t there. She is singularly focused on the message and what it might mean. Jesse has never asked to see her outside of their prescribed time. She thinks hard, not knowing if that’s true. He has been her friend far longer than he has been her lover. Surely in all that time, he must have suggested they get together on a day other than Tuesday.

               She picks up the phone, ignoring Anna completely, who has asked a question and is waiting for an answer. She types as quickly as she can. I’m with Anna. I’ll text you when I get home. She does not want to seem too abrupt. The truth is, she is nervous. Why can’t he wait until Tuesday? Has something happened?

               That brings her thoughts around to the baby slowly growing inside her. She imagines it floating, blissfully unaware of the turmoil it has caused. She stamps out that thought too. She can’t blame the baby for any of this. Only herself.

               “Hello?” Anna says impatiently.

               She glances up at her friend who is wearing a look of annoyance mixed with confusion. “Sorry, what?”

               “I said my sister can throw together a menu for you if you want. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Let’s do it at your house, in the yard. We can rent one of those trestle things.”

               “Do what at my house?” she asks blinking stupidly.

               “A wedding,” Anna says carefully. “But you obviously weren’t listening. Who texted you?”

               “Jesse,” she breathes. “He wants to see me, but we normally only get together on Tuesdays.”

               Anna takes a sip from her mug. “Maybe he’s thinking of a plan,” she says conspiratorially.

               “He might be,” she admits. It would be like him, to plan first and then ask her later. “And it’s called a trellis, I think. Not a trestle,” she adds.

               “Oh, so you were listening,” Anna laughs. Then she grows quiet, the hum of the coffee shop filling the air and the space between them. Anna reaches and places her hand on Rebecca’s arm. “Whatever you want to do, Rebecca, I’m here with you, okay?”

               This makes her eyes water. “Okay,” she whispers hoarsely. “Thank you.” Her earlier nerves about telling Anna float away. She wonders why she kept the secret from her for so long. Anna would never have judged her for this. She has no patience for church or workplace politics, and no time for nonsense either. “I should have told you about him,” she admits, letting her sadness overcome her for a moment. “I’m sorry,” she adds.

               “Don’t be,” Anna says, squeezing her arm.

               Her phone buzzes again. Ok. It is 4:37, and though she feels that she has only just begun to catch up with her friend, all she really wants to do is go home and be with Jesse.