(Find previous chapters and a description of the project here.)

It is Tuesday again. She is waiting by the door. He is late. She pulls her phone from her purse. It is 12:07. I’m ready. She sends the message. Just as she puts the phone back into her purse, he pulls into the driveway. She rushes out the door, locking it behind her.

               “I’m so sorry,” he says, as she opens the door of the Taurus. He moves papers from the passenger seat to the floorboard behind the driver seat. “I had a phone call and…”

               “It’s okay. Just drive,” she says, as she buckles herself.

               “Where am I going?” he asks.

               “224 N Hampton. The medical building next to the hospital.” She feels the weight of these words as they spill from her.

               He nods, then backs down the driveway. “Good thing it’s not too far,” he murmurs. He is quiet for a time as he drives through the neighborhood. “I’m really sorry, Rebecca. I hope I haven’t made you too late.”

               “It’s okay,” she says. She does not even want to go to this appointment. She’ll hear the heartbeat, and then she will have to start making real plans. Or maybe she won’t hear the heartbeat. This somehow seems worse. She reaches for Jesse’s hand. He takes it and raises it to his lips.

               They are sitting at a light. She taps her foot with impatience. The car in front of them is creeping forward. There is no cross traffic. She fights the urge to scream.

               The light changes, and Jesse is racing towards the on ramp. “Do they do an ultrasound at this appointment?” he asks as he merges.

               “No, just a doppler. I’ll have to go back for an ultrasound, to confirm gestational age.” It sounds too clinical, too sterilized. None of the words contain of the emotions she feels.

               “Do you want me to go to that?” he asks.

               She is surprised he has to ask. “I assumed you would,” she answers. “I can schedule it on a Tuesday if you need me to.”

               “Schedule whatever day you need to,” he replies, taking the exit.

               It occurs to her that after this weekend, there will be no more Tuesdays. Not in the same way, at least. She has not considered this before. He will be hers every day. He will live in her house. She will cook him dinner. She will fold his underwear. He will sleep in her bed. She has been so focused on the baby that she has forgotten to anticipate this reality. She looks at herself in the mirror. She looks like death warmed over.

               “Rebecca?” he asks, glancing at her as he pulls into the parking lot. He drives slowly, looking for an open parking space. “Are you alright?”

               “I…” she starts, but can’t finish. What is there to say? “I’m, um…It’s all hitting me,” she explains.

               He parks the car, but doesn’t turn off the engine. Alan used to do that too, if they were talking when they arrived at a destination. She always fussed at him to turn off the car. It’s a waste of gas, and bad for the planet. Her life with Alan is like a dream now, distant and hazy. It feels like another life entirely. Has it really only been two years since his death? She grabs Jesse’s hand and they sit in silence for as long as they can spare. It is 12:24. Her appointment is at 12:30.

               They almost race down the hallways of the medical building. The elevator takes an hour to arrive. She watches the lights over the top of the doors as it descends, annoyed that is stops on every floor. When the doors open, she waits for it to empty before she enters, even though she wants to push through the people exiting instead. She punches the button for floor 4. The doors close. Jesse leans against the back wall as they ascend.

               The office is 3 doors to the right of the elevator. Rebecca very consciously walks slowly. Her heart rate is too high. She feels Jesse’s hand brush against hers, and she takes it. She opens the door to the office. The waiting room is mostly empty—just one other couple waiting. The woman is so young, but the man looks much older. Before she can stop herself, she wonders if they are in a forbidden relationship too. Or perhaps this woman brought her father to the appointment. She pushes away the thoughts and moves to the window.

               “Hey, hun, what’s the name?” the receptionist says.

               “Rebecca Laudner,” she answers.

               The receptionist makes a few clicks on her computer. “Okay, Rebecca. Still on Houston Rd?” She nods. “And best phone number ends in 6755?” She nods again. “Still have Blue Cross?”

               “Yes, nothing has changed,” she says impatiently. She winces at her own tone. “Sorry, I’m just running a little late.”

               “Oh, it’s no problem,” the receptionist says happily. She is unphased. Rebecca wonders how many grumpy, pregnant women she encounters on a given day. She passes a sheet of paper across the counter. “Just check your info up top and then sign at the bottom.”

               Rebecca scrawls out her name. Next time she comes she will have a different one.

               “They’ll call you when they’re ready.”

               She turns and bumps into Jesse. “I didn’t know you were there,” she apologizes.

               He presses his hand against her back, subtly moving her towards the chairs. They sit. Rebecca looks at the clock. It is 12:34. She is late. She wonders if she will sit here for long.

               The door to the back rooms opens. “Amanda?” the nurse says.

               The young woman across from her stands up. She is huge. She waddles forward, then follows the nurse down the hallway, the man bringing up the rear. He walks as if he’s uninterested in anything around him.

               Rebecca audibly sighs.

               “What’s the matter?” Jesse asks softly. He has placed an arm around her shoulders.

               “I’m going to be huge like that,” she says. This is not the whole it. She thinks about him showering in her shower in the morning, about him shaving his beard at her sink. She thinks about seeing his socks on the bedroom floor. She wonders if he is tidy, or if he is messy like Alan was. She wonders what he will think of seeing her bras hang-drying in the laundry room. She wonders if he snores.

               The door opens again. “Rebecca?” a different nurse asks.

               They stand. She moves forward and Jesse falls behind her. They move in a line down the hallway. “I’m Gina. I don’t think we’ve met before,” the nurse says.

               “Hi,” Rebecca says as politely as she can.

               “We’re gonna go right in here,” Gina says. She points to a room with a scale and a chair next to a computer on a rolling stand. “You took a home test?” she asks, as Rebecca sits.

               “Last week,” she replies.

               The nurse types something into the computer. “When was your last period?”

               She counts backwards. “April 17^th,” she answers.

               The sound of more typing fills the room. “This is your third pregnancy?”

               “That’s right,” she says.

               Gina comes out from behind the computer. “Go ahead and step up on the scale for me.” She complies. Gina writes down the number on her clipboard. “Sit back down and we’ll get your blood pressure.” Rebecca obeys and offers her arm to Gina. The nurse takes her measurements, and scribbles on the clipboard again. She turns towards the cabinet, and takes out a urine sample cup.

               “Okay, Rebecca. Bathroom is on the right just outside this door. I’ll take your husband to room 4. Just meet us there when you’re done.”

               She does not correct Gina and neither does Jesse. He winks at her as he follows the nurse, hands in his pockets as if he’s on a stroll. She almost laughs to herself. He is trying to make this better for her, but not even he can do that. She gives her sample as quickly as she can, placing the cup behind the little metal door in the bathroom. She washes her hands and hurries from the room.

               Jesse is alone in room 4 when she arrives. “Gina said the midwife will be in soon,” he says. He takes the chair. She sits on the exam table. Her feet dangle in front of her, making her feel small. She swings them back and forth. “You look upset,” he says.

               She stops swinging her feet. “I was thinking about being married to you,” she says.

               “Were you?” he says. He crosses one leg over the other, and places his hands on his knee, fingers laced together. “Were you wondering if I snore too much?”

               A smile slowly spreads across her face. “That is one thing I was wondering actually,” she replies. Love for him fills her chest. He knows her almost perfectly.

               “I probably do snore,” he offers. “But I can also make really good omelets, so it’s a trade-off.”

               She laughs, and he is laughing too, and she feels lighter. The worrying begins to fade.

               There is a soft knock at the door before it opens. “Hi Rebecca!” Joanie, the midwife says, as she comes into the room. “I was so surprised to see you on my schedule!” She looks at Jesse briefly. “I didn’t know you got remarried.”

               She fights the urge to flee. “The wedding is this weekend,” she says, trying not to sound short.

               Joanie nods approvingly. “It’ll be a perfect weekend for a wedding. Where are you having it?” She steps forward, moving towards the cabinets. She opens a door and takes a doppler and a bottle of gel from inside.

               “Just at the house. Very small,” she explains. She glances at Jesse. He is smiling at her warmly. “Mostly just family.”

               “It sounds lovely,” Joanie says as she moves towards her. “So, you think you’re about 7 weeks?”

               “Seems like that’s about right,” she says. “Almost 8, I guess.”

               Joanie nods. “Well, I can try to take a listen, or we can wait. I might not be able to hear anything this early. I don’t want you to worry if we can’t get anything.”

               She hasn’t thought of this. “If we don’t listen now, then I won’t be able to until next month?” she asks.

               “We’ll get you to come back for an ultrasound in about a week, so you can listen then,” Joanie explains.

               She looks to Jesse. “What do you want to do?”

               “Let’s take a listen, if we can,” he says.

               She nods. “Okay. Let’s just see,” she agrees.

               “Lift up that shirt for me,” she instructs, “and then lay back.” Rebecca does as she’s told. “Might have to unbutton the pants too, Rebecca. Just slide them down. Good.” Joanie’s tone is inviting and affirming. “Sorry, this will be cold.” She squirts the gel onto her belly.

The doppler runs across her skin, moving down towards her pubic bone. With her thumb, Joanie turns up the volume on the machine. Joanie stops the wand, then turns the screen so Rebecca can see. She watches the numbers fluctuate. 156. 154. 148. 149. 151. 153. There is static and a sound like wind blowing across a microphone, but underneath she hears it. The beating of a heart.

               “Listen to that,” Joanie says sweetly. “Sounds like a healthy little baby.”

               Suddenly, it is too much. A sob escapes her and she covers her face. She cries as the sound of the heartbeat continues to echo through the room. Someone—Jesse—has grabbed her hand. She wipes her eyes, turning her head towards him. He is leaning over her, searching her. “You’re okay, babe. We can do this.”

               Joanie turns off the doppler. “I’ll give you all a minute,” she offers. She sets the gel and the equipment on the counter, then exits the patient room, softly shutting the door behind her.

               “Sorry,” she says, wiping her eyes. “Can you get me that sheet?” she asks, pointing to the disposable, paper sheet Joanie has left on the counter. He hands it to her and she wipes the excess gel from her belly. She buttons her pants, pulls down her shirt, then sit ups. There are still tears leaking from her. “I don’t know what I expected, but I wasn’t ready for that. For this.”

               Jesse rubs her back. “This is my fault,” he says.

               She frowns at him. “Your fault?” she asks. “How is any of this your fault?”

               “If you hadn’t needed someone…I shouldn’t have…I could have been more careful,” he decides.

               She knows the exact day this happened. There were no condoms left in the box, so she told him to withdraw instead. “It’s not your fault,” she argues.

               “I’m sorry, Rebecca,” he says. His voice breaks as he says her name. “I want to make this right.” He touches her face. “I love you.”

               She closes her eyes. “I love you too,” she whispers. “I don’t want anything to happen to you because of me.”

               He doesn’t have time to answer before there is a soft knock at the door again. Joanie peeks inside. “Is it ok to come in?” she asks.

               “Yes, it’s fine. Sorry about that,” she Rebecca.

               “Oh no, no apologizing,” Joanie says. She moves around Jesse and comes to sit on the stool in front of her. “Is there anything you’re worried about? Maybe I can help relieve some fears for you?”

               Rebecca shakes her head. “No, it’s nothing like that. I know there are some increased risks at my age, but…” she stops herself. “It’s not that. All of that is fine.”

               Joanie nods slowly. “Okay, it’s still most likely that this will be a normal pregnancy, even with your age, but we can screen for anything you’d like if you feel you need it.”

               “Okay,” Rebecca says shakily.

               Joanie rolls over to the counter. She writes a few notes on the paper there. “Take this to check out. Have them get you on the ultrasound schedule soon.” She hands her the paper. “I’ll see you in a month, but call me if you need me.” She stands and pats her arm. Her eyes are filled with compassion.

Rebecca is grateful for the gesture. “Thanks Joanie. I’m okay.”

She nods, then moves towards the door. “Nice to meet you,” she says to Jesse as she waves. She shuts the door behind her.

Jesse checks his watch, then stuffs his hands into his pockets. “You ready?”

She doesn’t feel ready for anything.