If I had been the second girl

My mother would have named me Hannah

But I was not the second girl

So instead, she named me Sarah.

If I had been named Hannah

I wonder if I would have pleaded with God

Distressed to the point of incoherence

As the ones who loved me offered me

Gifts that would never satisfy.

I wonder if my agony

Would have been so persuasive

That the holiest people would intercede for me.

I wonder if my prayers would have been answered

And in my joyous delight I would have given up

The very things I asked for

As a sign of my gratitude.

But my name is not Hannah.

My name is Sarah.

So I wonder if I am doomed to dismiss

The promises of a great future

And laugh at God because I don’t believe

That anything new can ever come from

My withered and brittle spirit.

I wonder if my determination to keep going

Despite the evidence that it is pointless

Is a lack of faith

Or a unhealthy pragmatism

That will send me seeking for alternative answers

Stirring up anger when my plans

Do not manifest in the way I intend.

I wonder if at the end of this road

I will learn how wrong I am.

Just like that other Sarah.