I see you standing outside in the yard

Where I sent you after I was tired

Of your stories about me. And the people who love me.

Sometimes I wonder what you are doing

Standing there, waiting for me

As if I wanted to sink back into your bleak embrace.

No, I say to myself

As I make myself eat and shower

Even though the pit in my stomach growls loudly.

No, I will not let you back in

I will not succumb to the soft sound

Of your lies about me. And the people who love me.

Yet

I see you standing out in the yard

When I take out the garbage

Or let out the dog

When I press my face against the cool window at night

And wonder what it would be like to close my eyes forever.

Sometimes if I am not careful

I start to look for you

My friend who lingers

Smiling such a sad, sweet smile

That makes me melt into your darkness.

I kicked you out of here, again and again

And yet you stand in my yard

Waiting.