The worst part of recruiting anyone new to the network of letter writers was the uncertainty. It was always lurking in the shadow of your surety, waiting to pop out of the darkness and scream that you were wrong. It whispered to you that it wasn’t worth the risk, that it would be better to stay hidden, silent, safe. I had to remind myself of the truth- I wasn’t safe. Mira and Simon we’re safe. And neither were Maddie and Tom or their boys. We all needed to get out of Massachusetts so we could live as our full selves.

There were plenty of women who welcomed the rigid rules that governed their lives. They pretended it was piety, but God has fallen out of their lives long ago. What they clung to instead was what Gran used to call Patriarchy. She was always careful to use that word around us, because it was on that list of things that you couldn’t say. Women ended up in the stocks for uttering it, along with any of the other forbidden words: feminist, equity, organize, fair. These things did not exist according to the government. There was only the one right way: men in control, and everyone else subservient to them.

I prepared myself to cross the boundary of my lawn into Maddie’s. It was a ritual I took very seriously. When I left my home, I was entering enemy territory. Only at home, when I was alone, did I ever feel truly safe. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply through my nose as I stood there at the boundary, marked out with a line of stones. When I exhaled, I let go off all the worry that had been bubbling. I had left a letter in the stone wall for Gilda to let her know that Mira and Simon would be the last two. I had written that I was recruiting my neighbor. She would find a way to get to my children if anything happened to me. The network had some resources- women who were trained for espionage when it was needed. I had to trust that Mira and Simon would get out even if bringing Maddie into the network went wrong.

I stepped over the boundary stones, telling myself that there was no going back. There would be no backing down, no pretending. My life as I knew it would be over in 3 days either way. This knowledge gave me resolve and propelled me forward without fear of the conversation ahead of me.

I knocked on Maddie’s door three times, a hard knock, but not an urgent one. I waited, hearing playful squealing in the house, and heavy footsteps moving towards the door. When the door opened, I pasted a smile onto my face so I would look pleasant. I had become adept at smiling under duress. It was how I had survived.

“Oh! Emily, hello,” Maddie said. I could see trust and surprise and excitement dancing in her eyes, reflected in her young face that hadn’t yet hardened with suspicion of others. I ached for her naiveté, a part of me longing for it in the same moment. I reminded myself that she was purchased, sent her to be kept safe, to help play a role so her husband could hide. Maybe she had learned how to act and her expression was just at disingenuous as mine.

“Would you and the boys like to go with us to the park?” There was a nearly secluded playground, old and crumbling, tucked away behind the grocery. It was where I had been taken by Gilda. Almost no one went there twice. It wasn’t a kind of place you returned to once you had been. Young moms wouldn’t necessarily know that, so it was easy to disguise the visit as ignorance. Older moms with older children wouldn’t necessarily care that it wasn’t the safest place for children to play. I had only been there twice myself, and each time, Gilda and I had been the only people there.

“Yes!” she said quickly. I tried not to make a judgement about how quickly. “I’ll meet you in the yard in about five minutes. Let me get the boys ready, and a few snacks packed.”

I went back to my own house to gather my own children. Children used to go to school, Granny had said, but that was only for boys now, and only for those families which could afford the expense. Everyone else attended the school of every day life, which involved cooking, cleaning, yard work, shopping, mending, and staying on the good side of whatever man governed your household. Simon would eventually go with work with Mark, learning his trade as a carpenter and architect, and that’s what Simon would do for a living for the rest of this life. There were no options for him, but just there were no options for Mira or me.

We walked in comfortable silence to the playground. Like always I never looked anyone in the eyes, and I moved out of the way for everyone man we encountered. Maddie awkwardly followed my example. She would learn, I told myself, and one day it would be second nature.

The playground was deserted just as I expected. Maddie took a look at the leaning jungle gym, and the rusted swing set, concern creeping across her forehead. She turned to her boys and said, “Just use the slide for now, and I’ll push you on the swing in a minute.” The four kids all went running off, mine unafraid to use the equipment which needed replacing. I watched them climb the rickety tower, the whole thing wobbling as they went. Maddie’s two did as she instructed, taking turns using the slide, the only thing in the whole play yard that looked safe.

I waited to say anything to her. Waiting the only power I had. Waiting and silence were my tools and my weapons. It kept me safe from revealing too much, and it forced others to speak first. Maddie was fidgeting with her hat, and the buttons of her blouse, and she hair, and the pleats of her skirt. Finally, I laid my hand on her shoulder to still her. She went slack under my touch.

“Emily.” My name was her whole sentence, all her worry, all her anxiety, wrapped up with my name as its bow. Our eyes met and as her lips quivered, I pressed my finger to my mouth, a sign to silence her.

“I know,” I said. It was all I needed to say. She bit her trembling lip but it still shook under her teeth. “Do you want to do something about it?” I asked. She frowned , but she didn’t ask any question. “Because I need someone to take my place.”

“Your place?” she echoed.

No going back, I reminded myself. Without Gilda and without me, the network would need someone new. “Writing letters,” I said. “Working to smuggle people out of Massachusetts.”

Maddie let out a tiny gasp, but she stymied in quickly, though her eyes remained wide. “How?” she exhaled.

I had hooked her, or else she was an incredible actress. “There’s a group leaving soon. The spots are all full.” I had to give me enough information without revealing anything specific. “My contact in the network is leaving. My work on this particular endeavor puts me at risk.” I paused, watching her horrified and yet hopeful expression. “Maddie, I might end up in the stocks.” I swallowed the fear that was running away with my heart rate. “Forever.”

She nodded vigorously, suddenly stone faced. “I understand,” she said, all hint of awe gone. She was as stoic as death.

I knew I had chosen well. “On Wednesday, I’ll take you to the drop spot. It will contain directions for you. Whatever you retrieve must be destroyed after it has been retained.” I tapped my forehead, indicating that she needed to memorize whatever was written. “Everyone uses code. You’ll have to learn.”

“Can you teach me?” she asked.

I didn’t have time. “Some,” I offered.

A squeal from Isaac echoed through the play yard. The boys has moved from the slide to the base of the wobbling jungle gym. Maddie took off across the grass, hollering, “No! No! Let’s do the swings now, boys!”

I watched her pushing her children on the swings, wondering how long it would be before they too could be smuggled out.