Today, I told my kids I hated them

Even though that could never be true.

And something happened as soon as I said it

As the room went quiet and I walked away

Shutting myself in the bedroom to wrestle

With the emotions that had made me say

That horrible lie.

The reason I said it was not because

I was tired and I wanted the house to be clean

Or because I didn’t want to help with homework

Or cook dinner or remember to check backpacks

To look at their school papers

And remember to charge their laptops.

I didn’t even say it because I was overwhelmed

And there were still dishes to be done

And laundry to be washed and folded

And an endless list of shopping and errands

That someone was going to have to do that weekend.

Today, I told my kids I hated them

Because that child inside me that wants to be heard

Was screaming for someone, anyone to listen

Listen to how I feel right now.

Listen to what I want to say.

And as soon as the words left my mouth

Something happened that I didn’t expect

I felt a wave of compassion for the children at my table

Who are being told every day what to do and where to go

What to wear and eat, when to get up and when to go to sleep

And endless eternity of decisions made for them

Without a thought of what they want.

I realized that when they say the lie

“I hate you”

It’s because what they really want to say is

Listen to me, see me, let me be

But they don’t know how to say those things

When they are hungry or tired or overstimulated.

Today, the child inside me raised up her head

And told the people I love most in the world

Something that could never be true

Not because she wanted to hurt them

But because she was hurting

And she didn’t have any other words.